I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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