Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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