So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
