Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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