My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
