I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
