My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
