i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
