does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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