I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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