"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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