Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
