we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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