I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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