my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
