Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize