I just pynch a tree in the face
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
