On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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