I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
