dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
