She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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