he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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