my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
