saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
