You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
