What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
