just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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