If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
