I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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