I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
