I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
