haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
