You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
