I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
