the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
