My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
