did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
