My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
