This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize