I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
