It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
