I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
