my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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