seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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