dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
