our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
