no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
