My girlfriend figured out who you are.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize