if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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