That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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