Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
