Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
