Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
