she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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