she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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