HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
