mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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