you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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