Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
