he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
