you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
